Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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