Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
