I can text with my tongue
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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