Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My cat gives me a boner
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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