At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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