i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
