So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
