just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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