I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
