I faked an abortion last night.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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