I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
