Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
