I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
