I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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