you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
