so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
