Your dad touched me again.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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