its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
