mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
