I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
