At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
