Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
