I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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