My underwear smells like fireworks.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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