my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was born a porn star she said
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
