Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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