I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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