Cold hands, warm shart.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My vagina is officially offended.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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