ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
