I look better un-naked...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
