Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
