so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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