is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
