I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
