we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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