I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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