i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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