One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
