yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
