every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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