I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
