im six kinds of drunk right now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
