I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
