if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
