So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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