I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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