see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
