cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
