Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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