You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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