So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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