oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
