Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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