Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
