it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
