I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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