Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
