mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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